By Liberty Diaz
You know, there is no man that can love you like you in all the ways you haven’t loved you. I don’t know why you keep doing it to yourself but I know that feeling pain is only proof that we are alive and what is life without pain, right? I mean would you know what joy is without pain? I don’t know that I recognized love until I felt it’s knife in my back.
There are men who will fall at your feet, and you will never fall at theirs. And you can’t explain it. Can’t explain what kind of masochist falls for the men that will do everything in their power to run away from love when you are holding your heart in your bare hands, eyes pleading ‘take me, love me, love me like i love you’. No, you don’t know why you’re like this and maybe it’s your dad and yeah maybe you can blame it on some deeply seeded childhood trauma or maybe you’re just a masochist. I don’t know. You don’t know. But you love him so you hold onto him. And when he is mad and he is gone and you don’t speak, you tell yourself he loves you. But does he love you?
Would love hurt like this if he loved you? No, I think you know it’s not supposed to feel like this, so why do you keep doing it? I wonder if he sees you. I wonder if he loves you like you think he does. But I guess we’ll never know and that feels like bullshit because isn’t love supposed to be undeniable? Isn’t it supposed to feel undeniable? What you feel for him is undeniable but the silence is undeniable too. And what more could it mean? Love is not supposed to feel like this.
I know you love him. I know that you have fallen at his feet with your heart in your hands saying ‘take me. love me. love me like i love you’. He knows you love him. Goddamnit he fucking knows it. You make sure he feels it. You kiss him, slowly, you learn him every time. You hold him and you memorize him. You close your eyes and see every crevice of bone and skin. You love him the way you wish he loved you and it’s a shame. It’s a shame he doesn’t love you like you love him, but you know what? It’s okay. I mean look at you, you are a light. You are undeniable. You are love. He can’t break you and you know it, and he knows it, and maybe that’s why he won’t let you in. Because you know you can survive without him. Because you welcome the pain no matter how disappointing. And that scares him. He sees your light. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t leave. You are undeniable.
Remember all the times you hurt. Remember how loving someone before him felt like breathing until it didn’t. Remember how you thought you’d never stop loving him until you did. Until you woke up one day and it didn’t hurt anymore, and it didn’t matter. And you don’t even recognize that version of yourself anymore and one day you won’t recognize this version but know that she matters. She matters because she is making you even lovelier than you already are. No one can ruin you. No one can take that softness from you. You are so tender and lovely and undeniable. And yes, I keep saying it, you are undeniable. I want you to see it. I want you to see you like I see you.
We are going to be okay. You will always be okay. You are going to be great and I promise that the pain is just proof you are alive because what would life be without this ache? What would it mean to feel joy without it? I can’t wait for you to see you in all the ways I’ve always seen you. Whatever happens after this, there will always be a part of you that will love him, and that’s okay. There are so many people you love from a distance and it doesn’t mean you love them a little less just yourself a little more.