A Contemplation of Mixtures



I was sitting on the floor of your bedroom

We were talking about love, and loss, and that girl you hooked up with one time

You were staring out of your window watching colors splash across the sky

When you turned to me and asked me, “Can you keep a secret?”

Secrets

I’ve been thinking a lot about secrets lately

Like why we have them

Why we keep them

If we need them

Who defines them

I think loneliness is the biggest secret I hold trapped inside of me

I think pain

Is the only way to get it out

And pain

I’ve been thinking a lot about that too

Like why I need it

Why I hide it

If I'll ever be able to let it go

Will I ever be able to let it go

Do I want to be able to let it go

I think pain is a home I have built up inside of me

I think love

Is the only way to heal it out

I used to treat self love like a secret because my self love is not bath bombs, or beauty masks, or baggage-free beach yoga anyday

It is

Sitting on your bed apologizing to you when I feel I have done something wrong which is admitting that growth can come from my wrongs and that I sometimes do good too

It is sitting on your desk letting you calm me down when I fear I have done something wrong which is admitting that I am not always wrong and that people do bad to me too

It is lying on my bed, watching my phone die, envying it and then living the next days anyways

Loving my whole self anyways

Loving my whole self anyways

Which is hard work

Not wanting to die has been hard work

Self love was hard work

Self love is hard work

It is a practice made permanent by vulnerable moments and hated insecurities

It is the kind of peace that takes a while to get used to

To treat like a blanket that promises to stay even through all the sleepless nights

Someone told me once, that I couldn't be loved until I learned to love myself

I love myself so why don't I believe that anyone will ever love me

I constantly have to remind myself that I am not alone just because I feel alone

I constantly have to remind myself that I just feel alone because I am lonely

I constantly have to remind myself that I am not lonely because you are gone

That I was lonely when you were here

That I am lonely even when people surround me

This lonely is watching Netflix all day avoiding the thoughts between awake and asleep

This lonely is staring at a blank wall for hours imagining a life where I am not me

This lonely is a brick wall, a marble dungeon, an invisible jail cell: unbreakable, impenetrable, unchangeable

Trust me

I have wanted to kill it out

I have tried to cut it out

I have tried to drink it out

I have tried to starve it out

See, these are the secrets we hide from each other

These are the secrets I bury in myself

Craft me a secret that isn't riddled with distrust

Crippled by myths

Swallowed by lonely

I don't want to tell you how lonely I am because what if you find lonely unattractive

I don't want to tell you how lonely I am because I know how happy you like to be

I don't want to tell you how lonely I am because I know you're falling in love

If I say I'm falling apart

What if you can't catch me

What if you don't want to catch me

What if I'm not worth catching

What if I'm not worth catching

What if I'm not worth catching

Who could steal smiles with this beautiful disaster

Call this disaster beautiful

Call this disaster lovable

Who could write letters to this heartless immensity

Make love all night long to this unbearable silence

Who could fall in love with this lonely body

This lonely soul

This lonely heart

Loved

Lonely

When I tuck myself into bed at night I try to remember that I can feel both

And that they are both true

That I am both

Lonely

And loved

Loved by myself for now but that someday someone will cuddle me to sleep at night

Look at all my lonely

And still love me too


By

Nirel JonesMitchell



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