I was sitting on the floor of your bedroom
We were talking about love, and loss, and that girl you hooked up with one time
You were staring out of your window watching colors splash across the sky
When you turned to me and asked me, “Can you keep a secret?”
Secrets
I’ve been thinking a lot about secrets lately
Like why we have them
Why we keep them
If we need them
Who defines them
I think loneliness is the biggest secret I hold trapped inside of me
I think pain
Is the only way to get it out
And pain
I’ve been thinking a lot about that too
Like why I need it
Why I hide it
If I'll ever be able to let it go
Will I ever be able to let it go
Do I want to be able to let it go
I think pain is a home I have built up inside of me
I think love
Is the only way to heal it out
I used to treat self love like a secret because my self love is not bath bombs, or beauty masks, or baggage-free beach yoga anyday
It is
Sitting on your bed apologizing to you when I feel I have done something wrong which is admitting that growth can come from my wrongs and that I sometimes do good too
It is sitting on your desk letting you calm me down when I fear I have done something wrong which is admitting that I am not always wrong and that people do bad to me too
It is lying on my bed, watching my phone die, envying it and then living the next days anyways
Loving my whole self anyways
Loving my whole self anyways
Which is hard work
Not wanting to die has been hard work
Self love was hard work
Self love is hard work
It is a practice made permanent by vulnerable moments and hated insecurities
It is the kind of peace that takes a while to get used to
To treat like a blanket that promises to stay even through all the sleepless nights
Someone told me once, that I couldn't be loved until I learned to love myself
I love myself so why don't I believe that anyone will ever love me
I constantly have to remind myself that I am not alone just because I feel alone
I constantly have to remind myself that I just feel alone because I am lonely
I constantly have to remind myself that I am not lonely because you are gone
That I was lonely when you were here
That I am lonely even when people surround me
This lonely is watching Netflix all day avoiding the thoughts between awake and asleep
This lonely is staring at a blank wall for hours imagining a life where I am not me
This lonely is a brick wall, a marble dungeon, an invisible jail cell: unbreakable, impenetrable, unchangeable
Trust me
I have wanted to kill it out
I have tried to cut it out
I have tried to drink it out
I have tried to starve it out
See, these are the secrets we hide from each other
These are the secrets I bury in myself
Craft me a secret that isn't riddled with distrust
Crippled by myths
Swallowed by lonely
I don't want to tell you how lonely I am because what if you find lonely unattractive
I don't want to tell you how lonely I am because I know how happy you like to be
I don't want to tell you how lonely I am because I know you're falling in love
If I say I'm falling apart
What if you can't catch me
What if you don't want to catch me
What if I'm not worth catching
What if I'm not worth catching
What if I'm not worth catching
Who could steal smiles with this beautiful disaster
Call this disaster beautiful
Call this disaster lovable
Who could write letters to this heartless immensity
Make love all night long to this unbearable silence
Who could fall in love with this lonely body
This lonely soul
This lonely heart
Loved
Lonely
When I tuck myself into bed at night I try to remember that I can feel both
And that they are both true
That I am both
Lonely
And loved
Loved by myself for now but that someday someone will cuddle me to sleep at night
Look at all my lonely
And still love me too
By
Nirel JonesMitchell